hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
