I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
