Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
