yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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