i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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