I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
