god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
