I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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