Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize