You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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