get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
