Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
