u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Come see our sink grown plant.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
