just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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