Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize