low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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