I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
