so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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