There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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