I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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