did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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