Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I forgot how hot balto sounded
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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