omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
