I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I can't turn off my feet"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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