I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
