I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
