I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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