Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
