he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
