a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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