im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
