I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
