just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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