Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
