didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
how drunk are you?
Several
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
