so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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