My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize