God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
