I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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