My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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