whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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