How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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