He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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