sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
