I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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