did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
