I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
