So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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