how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
