Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
