$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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