I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
