And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
