im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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