White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
