i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
