oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
