Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
