I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
