i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
